Why do people humiliate others in retaliation and revenge?  Sometimes pain is so deep and masked by anger that people can't face it and have to lash out at others to make themselves feel better.  Gary Zukov says in Thoughts From the Heart of the Soul, Meditations for Emotional Awareness, "Anger is the path of least resistance.  Rage, emotional withdrawal, seething resentment, compulsive criticism, and the hunger for revenge all mask a pain so intense that it is unapproachable."   The sad part is that not even this will heal their pain.  They have to do that themselves. 

Revenge is the default setting of mankind according to David Richo.  In his book The Five Things We Cannot Change .. and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, he states that it takes a spritual practice to override the natural impulse of revenge and retaliation.  He points out, "[t]he challege is to meet our losses with loving-kindness, the commitment to act and think lovingly toward others, especially when they test our patience or act hurtfully toward us."  Richo says this helps us to keep our hearts open and embrace the hurt.  We must be vulnerable, but not abused.  The acts of loving-kindness free us from the "retaliatory instinct of ego."  
         It takes a spiritual practice with moral consequences in order to forgive those who are not sorry for how they have offended us.  A commitment to nonretaliation is necessary.  Even though we may feel healthy anger about the mistreatment we must let go of the blame and the need to punish.  This prevents harm to the soul of the retaliator.  As Socrates wrote:  "It is better to suffer an injustice than to commit one."  It is our soul that is damaged by revenge. 

Survive your Divorce!  Divorce Survival Tactics. 

Why does betrayal hurt so much?  Betrayal is the violation of a trust that leads to moral and psychological conflict in a relationship.  In his article Betrayal in Psychology Today (January 13, 2010), Shirah Vollmer, M.D., states that "betrayal is one of the worst human experiences."  He points out that "betrayal involves shock, disapointment and re-evaluation of one's belief system. Almost every betrayal makes the victim look back over their past to try to determine what caused it.  This reaction almost inevitably leads to self-blame and guilt."  The link between betrayal and unworthiness is how deception causes so much damage to us.  Since betrayal causes the victim to feel bad about him or herself ,the victim is hurt twice.  "First, his social contract has been broken.  Second, he thinks poorly of himself," says Dr. Vollmer.  This leads to "an utter sense of helplessness."  The greater the trust the victim put in the other person, the greater the impact of the betrayal.  The impact can result in anger, dispair and fear.  They may feel unable to trust anyone.  Often, the victim desires revenge in order to restore a feeling of potency.  Revenge will be the topic of a future blog. 

Survive your Divorce!  Divorce Survival Tactics. 

It is very common for verbal abuse to be present when a couple is divorcing.  In her book The Verbally Abusive Realtionship, Patricia Evans covers this topic in detail.  She outlines the effects of verbal abuse, the types of verbal abuse, and how to respond to verbal abuse to lessen its impact and, eventually, stop it. 

Ms. Evans lists the following types of verbal abuse:  withholding, countering, discounting, verbal abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing, undermining, threatening, name calling, forgetting, ordering, denial and abusive anger.  She states that verbal abuse is a means of manipulating and excercising "power over."  Verbal abuse prevents real relationships. 

Ms. Evans goes on to describe each type of abuse, giving examples of each.  She then sets forth detailed responses to each type of abuse in order to break the pattern. 

If you recognize any of the above types of abuse in your relationships, this book is a 'must read.' 

Survive your Divorce!  Divorce Survival Tactics. 

This site is about surviving divorce, taking care of yourself, and recovery.  But I just couldn't help putting the ultimate break up song here.  "It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe." 

I had grand hopes that my divorce would be "friendly," and indeed it was until a month or so ago.  The addition of a girlfriend in my ex's life has led to agreements being altered and not complied with.  Of course, just the ones that benefited me.  He now does not want to change the ones that benefit him and has not responded to my inquiries about making a new arrangement.  This is causing distress to me and uncertainty in my life.